Talking to a narcissist—whose behavior is characterized by grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy—is the ultimate example of navigating conversational landmines. Say the wrong thing, and they’ll likely get defensive, shift the blame onto you or someone else (anyone but themselves), and try to get even by inflicting emotional pain.
That’s especially true if you utter these words: “You’re not that special.”
“There’s so much about that statement that’s so activating to a narcissist,” says Samantha Potthoff, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Beverly Hills, Calif., who works with people with narcissistic personality disorder and their family members. “It’s pointing out a flaw, which threatens their self-image. It not only challenges their own narrative and the way they view themselves, but the way they want to be seen.” Plus, she adds, it triggers “the terror of being ordinary, unseen, or emotionally insignificant.”
Here are other phrases to be wary of when speaking with a narcissist—plus tips for better communication.
“No.”
One of a narcissist’s core characteristics is entitlement, and being deprived of something they feel they’re owed threatens their sense of superiority, says Dan Jones, who runs the Dark Triad and Corporate Climate Lab at the University of Nevada, Reno, which studies the personality and environmental forces that drive the dark side of human nature.
“At work, a narcissistic coworker asking you to do their report will lash out if you say ‘no,’” Jones says. “You become the worst coworker ever.” Your colleague will loudly bemoan the fact that they have to do everything, and gripe about how they just asked for one little favor.
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It would be better to word your response like this, he adds: “I can’t dedicate the time to it right now, and I don’t want to make you look bad.” Unlike a straightforward “no,” it “doesn’t outright threaten the narcissistic ego,” Jones says, increasing the chances of a more favorable outcome.
“You’re wrong.”
Granted, no one likes to be told they’re wrong. But it’s especially irksome to a narcissist because it challenges their sense of authority or infallibility. “It’s an accusation, which is going to bring up defensiveness right away,” Potthoff says. “You’re implying that they’re doing something that isn’t correct, that they’re flawed, that they’re less than—and that’s going to be really triggering to someone’s ego.” As a result, they’ll likely launch into manipulation tactics, she adds, like gaslighting or stonewalling.
“It’s so cute when you try to manipulate me.”
If you’re feeling sassy—or you’ve simply had enough—you might fire back at the narcissist in your life. Maybe you even add: “Keep trying! This is entertaining for me.”
It might feel good in the moment, but it’s best to avoid this type of approach, says Nicole Herway, a therapist in Murray, Utah, who works with survivors of narcissistic abuse. “Pushing against a narcissist can put you in a dangerous position,” she says. “The worst thing you can do is mock or laugh at them,” and these words are both belittling and sarcastic. Anything that damages a narcissist’s ego makes them feel vulnerable, Herway adds, leading them to lash out and become more aggressive.
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It’s better to act indifferent or not give any response at all, which is a strategy called “grey rocking”—so named because it requires behaving like a dull, uninteresting rock so a narcissist leaves you alone. If they try to insult you, for example—”you’re wearing that dress?”—respond with something short and non-committal, like “Hmm. I like it.” Or if they tell you that you’re blowing a situation way out of proportion, you could reply: “Hmm. OK.”
“You want to be bland and boring and have little facial reaction,” Herway says.
“No one cares.”
Narcissists need to feel important, Potthoff says—and these three words feed their fear of irrelevance. “They need to associate with important people, and they need to be important themselves,” she says. If you make a comment like “no one cares,” you’re directly challenging their inflated sense of superiority, while withholding the attention and admiration they covet. That will set off a firestorm of defensiveness, Potthoff says.
“Why can’t you just say sorry?”
On the surface, it seems like a simple, honest question. But to a narcissist, it’s a trap, says Kali Murry, a licensed clinical social worker in Long Beach, Calif. “Apologies require vulnerability and accountability,” she says, both of which narcissists tend to avoid because they threaten their carefully constructed self-image. Murry has seen this question ignite defensiveness, gaslighting, and denial of any wrongdoing. “It demands emotional labor they aren’t willing—or able—to give,” she says. “Instead of fostering repair, it usually leads to more conflict.”
What to say instead
When you’re talking to a narcissist, adjust your expectations accordingly: Your conversation partner probably lacks empathy, so you shouldn’t seek emotional validation, says Dr. Gil Lichtshein, a psychiatrist in Boca Raton, Fla. Instead, stay calm and detached, and don’t take their behavior personally—getting a reaction out of you is exactly what they’re craving. “You don’t want to fall into that trap,” he says.
Keep your tone neutral, which helps prevent the situation from escalating, and clearly state (and stick to) your boundaries. Otherwise, “you’re negatively reinforcing their behavior,” Lichtshein says. It’s also a good idea to avoid arguing over opinions or emotions—which can be twisted—and to stick to facts instead.
If you’re having trouble squeezing a word into the conversation, it can be helpful to say: “I hear that this matters a lot to you. Can we also make space for my experience?” “It lowers their defensiveness instead of heightening it,” Potthoff says. “You’re saying to them, ‘I see you, I hear you,’ so they don’t feel attacked.”
Read More: 7 Things to Say When Someone Gaslights You
You could also word it like this: “I respect your perspective, and I also have a different one I’d like to share.” The word “respect” can go a long way, Potthoff says: “Giving a little validation is really helpful to open their ears to hearing the second part of the sentence.”
Another of Potthoff’s favorite phrases: “Let’s come back to this when we’re both more open to hearing each other.” “When things are inflamed, it’s going to lead to a higher degree of defensiveness,” she says. “The more charged the situation is, the more deregulated people get, and then the louder these things become. Taking a break might allow it to deescalate enough for people’s intellect to sort of tap back online, so that it’s not just an emotional reaction.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
